I have spent this weekend just focusing on renewal.....having some down time to accomplish a few mundane tasks,but mainly to not have to speak or entertain or do anything but get my head in a happy place.
Of course, at the end of September, we had the failed adoption.
Two weeks ago my sister had another crisis and I had to call her daughters home as I cannot manage her. So, one came from Toronto and then, two days later, the other came from Singapore with her husband. The younger one left after paving the way for the older one to step in.
The younger one is never a problem. She is a good soul. A kind heart. This makes her gullible with some things regarding her mother, and I think had resulted in her not catching on sooner about her mother's condition when I tried to tip them off. The older daughter and I had a strong history and at some point it soured. From my perspective, it soured when I asked the girls to help me with their mother.
It was tense. No information was shared. I don't know when "visiting" and "hanging out" with someone included sitting with your individual laptops, tuned out, but the tension was evident. I beat myself on a fairly routine basis for not being able to solve the problem with my sister. I don't like to fail. I don't know what else I could have done, but I don't find it easy to just walk away without feeling some sense of responsibility that it didn't go as planned. So, with the silence regarding plans and the skulking around....well, I felt like I had done something wrong, which merely served to trigger those thoughts of "FAILURE!" that lurk in the back of my mind.
There was this tight little smile, with no commentary, that accompanied my suggestion that, although her mother had gotten paperwork for a living will, a medical power of attorney was probably what they needed. I explained that the living will expressed her mother's desires around end of life issues, but the power of attorney gave her permission to intervene with her mother's medical care should she not be in a position to do so. Oh well. It is her burden now.
I feel as though the rift covers many other levels and it is just too damaged, I think, to fix. A very sad realization.
On a positive note, we did a round of Clomid and artificial insemination and now have to wait a few weeks to see what the deal is. The good news is that I may be able to have another child. My fear of passing on bipolar disorder to a child (I don't have it, but it is in the family) is balanced with bringing in any crazy from another family.
This weekend was a much needed time to disconnect from reality and, despite knocking out some laundry, a time to renew and refresh myself for the week ahead. I can't dwell on the relationship issue. It is what it is and I don't expect it to get any better. The tone was set and, personally, I wasn't surprised, nor was I terribly amused. I did my part in opening my home, but after two days of a nice enough visit, some funk occurred that I cannot assign a trigger to and it endured for the remainder of the stay.
So, today my family comes home from the cabin and I'm ready for that. The new week heralds in a fresh start to a bad series of events.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Paul, Laura and Ben Still Want to Adopt!
Many of you already know that we were to adopt a baby, who was born on Tuesday. After three days in the hospital with this amazing little girl, the paternal grandmother stepped in and the adoption fell through. We're not giving up because we believe this is what we were meant to do! Please forward this along because we need help networking! With all of the people that we know and all of the wonderful support that we have experienced in the past few days, we feel that we can realize our dream. Thank you for sending this along! Read more about us at www.loveforonemore.net
Friday, September 25, 2009
....and at every damned pass, Karma bushwhacks my ass....
The very appropriate quote titling this post comes from Mary Prankster. It just sums it all up.
The past few months have been sent being sucked into another disrupted adoption, which is the baby industry term for it falling through. The mother, I believe, was sincere. The birth father and his mother, in our belief, were collaborating to have us pay for rent and food until the baby came, with the full intention of swooping in to have the grandmother "adopt" the baby at the 11th hour.
I read today that this practice is a common practice in the African American community....usually an aunt or grandmother to the birth mother swoops in and rescues the baby after prospective adoptive parents have used their precious resources to fund what they believe is going to be a placement.
After three days in the hospital with an amazing little baby girl, our dreams came to a screeching halt.
I should make it clear that the staff at the hospital was amazing. The nurses were very supportive in a very stressful and difficult situation. The social worker sucked for reasons that I'll get into later.
During the stay, the birth mother did NOT wish to see the baby. We met a few times. Then the grandparents arrived to continue working on her, a process which had started the day before the c-section was scheduled (Tuesday). The birth mother's aunt stopped by to say that it was a done deal - the mom wanted the baby with us. The nurses mirrored this. Wednesday night, I just sort of new. Of course, I was staying in the mother/infant unit with the baby. I sent her back to the nursery for the night so I could start to disengage my brain, and my heart.
I had her brought back in the morning so Paul and Ben and I could get the final word and say goodbye. At 1pm I was called by the social worker to go to the birth mother's room. On my journey down the hall, I had to walk by the waiting room, where an older (mid-50s) woman with a bad weave and smug grin was positioned right in the center of the area, taking me in. This was, of course, the grandmother. I got to the room, to find the social worker had pulled chairs around and the birth mother was crying. Once I heard the words, "Well, I know you've figured out what's been going on...and I don't have a choice" - I stood. The social worker tried to get me to sit. All I could say was,"I understand your decision, but RIGHT NOW, I need to go and be with my family to tell them and get out of here." Again, the social worker, who apparently thought we were going to sit, hold hands and sing fucking Kumbaya, tried to get me to wait, to which I said, "I need to get out of here, NOW."
I don't owe the birth mother closure. We loved her. She claimed to love us. She whined for months about her abusive relationship, how the dad is cheating on her and how her daughter would have everything with us. We asked in the beginning about the grandmother. The social workers at the organization we are working through asked. The response from her and the father were, "nobody in the family is going to raise this baby." I explained that I was going to bring my son into the picture and to PLEASE be honest should something change so I could protect him. No. I did not owe her closure on this. We are heart broken and struggling to think of how we are going to make an adoption happen.
We have had a strong showing of support from some family and a lot of friends and coworkers. From other family, well, as usual, we got nothing. Paul's brother hasn't called to say he is sorry or to see if Paul is okay. In times like these, you learn who cares. I had such a strong support group at the hospital, which is part of the organization that I work for. It is amazing, when I think about it, how many people came forward to be there for us.
We haven't given up. Yesterday, after returning home from the hospital, I started researching and we'll get it to happen. I feel so sad for that wonderful little baby that was ours for 3 days. It felt good to be mothering a baby again.
We don't give up and although we are still spinning, we'll get back on this crazy trip and go at it some more.
The past few months have been sent being sucked into another disrupted adoption, which is the baby industry term for it falling through. The mother, I believe, was sincere. The birth father and his mother, in our belief, were collaborating to have us pay for rent and food until the baby came, with the full intention of swooping in to have the grandmother "adopt" the baby at the 11th hour.
I read today that this practice is a common practice in the African American community....usually an aunt or grandmother to the birth mother swoops in and rescues the baby after prospective adoptive parents have used their precious resources to fund what they believe is going to be a placement.
After three days in the hospital with an amazing little baby girl, our dreams came to a screeching halt.
I should make it clear that the staff at the hospital was amazing. The nurses were very supportive in a very stressful and difficult situation. The social worker sucked for reasons that I'll get into later.
During the stay, the birth mother did NOT wish to see the baby. We met a few times. Then the grandparents arrived to continue working on her, a process which had started the day before the c-section was scheduled (Tuesday). The birth mother's aunt stopped by to say that it was a done deal - the mom wanted the baby with us. The nurses mirrored this. Wednesday night, I just sort of new. Of course, I was staying in the mother/infant unit with the baby. I sent her back to the nursery for the night so I could start to disengage my brain, and my heart.
I had her brought back in the morning so Paul and Ben and I could get the final word and say goodbye. At 1pm I was called by the social worker to go to the birth mother's room. On my journey down the hall, I had to walk by the waiting room, where an older (mid-50s) woman with a bad weave and smug grin was positioned right in the center of the area, taking me in. This was, of course, the grandmother. I got to the room, to find the social worker had pulled chairs around and the birth mother was crying. Once I heard the words, "Well, I know you've figured out what's been going on...and I don't have a choice" - I stood. The social worker tried to get me to sit. All I could say was,"I understand your decision, but RIGHT NOW, I need to go and be with my family to tell them and get out of here." Again, the social worker, who apparently thought we were going to sit, hold hands and sing fucking Kumbaya, tried to get me to wait, to which I said, "I need to get out of here, NOW."
I don't owe the birth mother closure. We loved her. She claimed to love us. She whined for months about her abusive relationship, how the dad is cheating on her and how her daughter would have everything with us. We asked in the beginning about the grandmother. The social workers at the organization we are working through asked. The response from her and the father were, "nobody in the family is going to raise this baby." I explained that I was going to bring my son into the picture and to PLEASE be honest should something change so I could protect him. No. I did not owe her closure on this. We are heart broken and struggling to think of how we are going to make an adoption happen.
We have had a strong showing of support from some family and a lot of friends and coworkers. From other family, well, as usual, we got nothing. Paul's brother hasn't called to say he is sorry or to see if Paul is okay. In times like these, you learn who cares. I had such a strong support group at the hospital, which is part of the organization that I work for. It is amazing, when I think about it, how many people came forward to be there for us.
We haven't given up. Yesterday, after returning home from the hospital, I started researching and we'll get it to happen. I feel so sad for that wonderful little baby that was ours for 3 days. It felt good to be mothering a baby again.
We don't give up and although we are still spinning, we'll get back on this crazy trip and go at it some more.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Writer's Block Undone
I have had writer's block. Severe, debilitating writer's block. Recent circumstances pushed me up to the wall and I was able to get things sorted out, thanks to the modern marvel of medicine and now I'm about to attempt an update.
Hitting the wall. I wrote a very long time ago that I had gone off of anti-anxiety medication when we were going down the road to getting pregnant. I thought that I was doing fine but suddenly, about six weeks ago, I hit the wall. I was tearful. I was not functioning. I was coming home and shutting down and hating every minute of work. Visibly. In the meantime, the birth mother who bailed on us a year and a half ago resurfaced, pregnant, and reached out to us through her doctor. This created additional angst - would she bail again? Were we just being used?
They showed up for the simultaneous meeting with our adoption agency. I began to take her to appointments. She immediately turned the sonogram pictures over to us. Today, the birth father signed the papers waiving his parental rights. She is due very soon. Unlike the last time, she has been in touch, by phone or text, religiously. Three more weeks or so.
The baby is a girl. At first, I didn't think I would WANT a girl, but I found that it didn't matter. I went onto Ebay and did some preliminary shopping of lots of girl's clothing. I wanted to be careful because, in my heart of hearts, I know this could still fall through. I don't think it is going to, but it could. The boxes started to arrive with a wide array of wonderful girlie clothes.
We painted the nursery. Lavender, with big whimsical flowers in the bedding pattern and on the walls. We put up the crib.
We voted on a name: Emily Anne
We continue to work with my mother, who is trying very hard to conquer numerous fears that plague her and inject some unnecessary frustration into the situation. The baby is 1/4 Caucasian, 1/4 Hispanic and 1/2 black. My mother is from the mid-west,and nearly 80 years old, so accepting race is a challenge. She tells me that the baby will undoubtedly be beautiful. However, I know that there is some angst about race. Evidence? She asked me if I could tell from the 4-D sonogram how dark the baby is. Yeah. Response? "No, I can't - but since it doesn't matter to us, and really we're the only ones whose opinion is important on this - it just isn't a big deal."
Then comes the relationship with N - the birth mother. Both Paulie and I like the birth mother. We feel a connection. We are willing to have an open adoption or, if she decides against it, to leave that option open to her, should she change her mind. My mother utters things like,"You're never going to be rid of her!" and "Take the baby and run!" This is a complicated situation. She has not been well parented and, at 26, has a lot of potential,but needs some help. There are two biological siblings in the picture. This is a child of color. The father is washing his hands of her, but doesn't this baby have the right to know her history? As a mother, how can I possibly deny a mother who is entrusting us with her daughter? Don't I have some moral obligation to at least arm this young woman with resources and tools to help herself and her children should the need arise? She is unselfishly giving us the greatest gift possible - a child - and we feel that we want to give back.
These are things that have been in my every waking thought. We are so close and I think this is really, really going to happen. If not, it will, of course, be devastating. Circumstances are such, though, where we are 99% sure that this will take place.
So, this is where we are right now and in a few weeks, I hope to be writing an update welcoming our new daughter to the family.
Hitting the wall. I wrote a very long time ago that I had gone off of anti-anxiety medication when we were going down the road to getting pregnant. I thought that I was doing fine but suddenly, about six weeks ago, I hit the wall. I was tearful. I was not functioning. I was coming home and shutting down and hating every minute of work. Visibly. In the meantime, the birth mother who bailed on us a year and a half ago resurfaced, pregnant, and reached out to us through her doctor. This created additional angst - would she bail again? Were we just being used?
They showed up for the simultaneous meeting with our adoption agency. I began to take her to appointments. She immediately turned the sonogram pictures over to us. Today, the birth father signed the papers waiving his parental rights. She is due very soon. Unlike the last time, she has been in touch, by phone or text, religiously. Three more weeks or so.
The baby is a girl. At first, I didn't think I would WANT a girl, but I found that it didn't matter. I went onto Ebay and did some preliminary shopping of lots of girl's clothing. I wanted to be careful because, in my heart of hearts, I know this could still fall through. I don't think it is going to, but it could. The boxes started to arrive with a wide array of wonderful girlie clothes.
We painted the nursery. Lavender, with big whimsical flowers in the bedding pattern and on the walls. We put up the crib.
We voted on a name: Emily Anne
We continue to work with my mother, who is trying very hard to conquer numerous fears that plague her and inject some unnecessary frustration into the situation. The baby is 1/4 Caucasian, 1/4 Hispanic and 1/2 black. My mother is from the mid-west,and nearly 80 years old, so accepting race is a challenge. She tells me that the baby will undoubtedly be beautiful. However, I know that there is some angst about race. Evidence? She asked me if I could tell from the 4-D sonogram how dark the baby is. Yeah. Response? "No, I can't - but since it doesn't matter to us, and really we're the only ones whose opinion is important on this - it just isn't a big deal."
Then comes the relationship with N - the birth mother. Both Paulie and I like the birth mother. We feel a connection. We are willing to have an open adoption or, if she decides against it, to leave that option open to her, should she change her mind. My mother utters things like,"You're never going to be rid of her!" and "Take the baby and run!" This is a complicated situation. She has not been well parented and, at 26, has a lot of potential,but needs some help. There are two biological siblings in the picture. This is a child of color. The father is washing his hands of her, but doesn't this baby have the right to know her history? As a mother, how can I possibly deny a mother who is entrusting us with her daughter? Don't I have some moral obligation to at least arm this young woman with resources and tools to help herself and her children should the need arise? She is unselfishly giving us the greatest gift possible - a child - and we feel that we want to give back.
These are things that have been in my every waking thought. We are so close and I think this is really, really going to happen. If not, it will, of course, be devastating. Circumstances are such, though, where we are 99% sure that this will take place.
So, this is where we are right now and in a few weeks, I hope to be writing an update welcoming our new daughter to the family.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
At 46, what does it all mean?
We have had ups and downs with this entire adoption process. Let's not fail to mention we're pursuing adoption while trying to conceive, which is pulling up a bunch of losing hands, one right after the other.
The birth mother that fell through a year ago is back. She is due in two months. She sought us out through her doctor's office (my former doctor).
Where am I with all of this? I am at my wit's end - positively at the end of my rope. The last time, I was compassionate. I like her. I like the father. They are engaging. They are enjoyable. However, the last time, his mother intervened and it fell through and we learned about it when they failed to show up for a meeting. So, two thousand dollars later (we had to pay that attorney to be at the meeting to the tune of $400 per hour) - we came home, defeated and then focused on other avenues.
The birth mother was supposed to call the social worker yesterday. She did not, so, of course, I bottomed out and had a crash and burn last night. After lunch today, she called me on my cell, hysterical, with a migraine. She insisted that she wants to go through with this, but had lost track of time with the headache. So, I extracted myself from the conversation and encouraged her to call the social worker when she felt better.
This is no cake walk. It is not some simple situation where there is a happy ending for everyone. There are some things that we're willing to offer that could make it a better situation, but this is a woman who is thinking about placing her baby outside of her own home. I feel for her. However, I am a woman who cannot carry a child and cannot, it seems, manage to get pregnant, which means my feelings about being infertile and incapable of bearing a child even if I conceive, just as valid.
The solution? Drugs. lol. Okay. I have asked my doc to give me something for situational anxiety because I can't do this every day with the minimal amount of emotional support that I have from my loved ones. I am a rock - one tough assed woman who has been through hell and made it through in one piece, albeit a little more brain damaged than I would have liked. However, I'm here. This situation, though, is going to be one that is just going to take a toll until we get it all settled. I have also asked the social worker to intercede and work with the birth mother to understand boundaries. With my screwed up upbringing, I evolved into the role of the "fixer" - If there has been a problem, I fix it. Got a health problem? Let me make a list of what to ask or, better yet, let me go with you to your appointment. Don't have a place to stay because you're about to end up on the street? You can live with me. (This offer open to family members only) The living with me isn't working out, let me find you an affordable place to go. I cannot fix this woman, no matter how much I like her. I cannot invest that much because, should she vanish again, I need to be able to back out of the situation and go forward in another direction.
I find that I have writer's block lately. I'm not seeing the world with the same amusement that I have in the past. I miss that. I miss seeing things in a way where, even if there is a hurdle, I have found a way over it. I find that the support network is not what I'd like. The time to wind down and refresh myself and move on is limited. THe demands are great and I'm feeling tired - worn out.
I have found that an old friend from my teen years has been one of my strongest advocates. It is disappointing to find how many people are just on the sideline and not forthcoming in reaching out to offer some support. I don't like that type of disappointment.
So, we shall see if the social worker gets the call - if she really means to move forward and if the birth father's mother will let this one be placed. This is a young, unmarried couple with two children, ages one and two, with baby number three on the way. It will be a biracial child, which my mother is trying to spin down. She informed me that using sunscreen would be critical. That's okay. We live two hours away and hopefully, given time, she'll get with the program. Sunscreen. Jeez.
Keep us in your thoughts, your prayers - whatever you've got.
The birth mother that fell through a year ago is back. She is due in two months. She sought us out through her doctor's office (my former doctor).
Where am I with all of this? I am at my wit's end - positively at the end of my rope. The last time, I was compassionate. I like her. I like the father. They are engaging. They are enjoyable. However, the last time, his mother intervened and it fell through and we learned about it when they failed to show up for a meeting. So, two thousand dollars later (we had to pay that attorney to be at the meeting to the tune of $400 per hour) - we came home, defeated and then focused on other avenues.
The birth mother was supposed to call the social worker yesterday. She did not, so, of course, I bottomed out and had a crash and burn last night. After lunch today, she called me on my cell, hysterical, with a migraine. She insisted that she wants to go through with this, but had lost track of time with the headache. So, I extracted myself from the conversation and encouraged her to call the social worker when she felt better.
This is no cake walk. It is not some simple situation where there is a happy ending for everyone. There are some things that we're willing to offer that could make it a better situation, but this is a woman who is thinking about placing her baby outside of her own home. I feel for her. However, I am a woman who cannot carry a child and cannot, it seems, manage to get pregnant, which means my feelings about being infertile and incapable of bearing a child even if I conceive, just as valid.
The solution? Drugs. lol. Okay. I have asked my doc to give me something for situational anxiety because I can't do this every day with the minimal amount of emotional support that I have from my loved ones. I am a rock - one tough assed woman who has been through hell and made it through in one piece, albeit a little more brain damaged than I would have liked. However, I'm here. This situation, though, is going to be one that is just going to take a toll until we get it all settled. I have also asked the social worker to intercede and work with the birth mother to understand boundaries. With my screwed up upbringing, I evolved into the role of the "fixer" - If there has been a problem, I fix it. Got a health problem? Let me make a list of what to ask or, better yet, let me go with you to your appointment. Don't have a place to stay because you're about to end up on the street? You can live with me. (This offer open to family members only) The living with me isn't working out, let me find you an affordable place to go. I cannot fix this woman, no matter how much I like her. I cannot invest that much because, should she vanish again, I need to be able to back out of the situation and go forward in another direction.
I find that I have writer's block lately. I'm not seeing the world with the same amusement that I have in the past. I miss that. I miss seeing things in a way where, even if there is a hurdle, I have found a way over it. I find that the support network is not what I'd like. The time to wind down and refresh myself and move on is limited. THe demands are great and I'm feeling tired - worn out.
I have found that an old friend from my teen years has been one of my strongest advocates. It is disappointing to find how many people are just on the sideline and not forthcoming in reaching out to offer some support. I don't like that type of disappointment.
So, we shall see if the social worker gets the call - if she really means to move forward and if the birth father's mother will let this one be placed. This is a young, unmarried couple with two children, ages one and two, with baby number three on the way. It will be a biracial child, which my mother is trying to spin down. She informed me that using sunscreen would be critical. That's okay. We live two hours away and hopefully, given time, she'll get with the program. Sunscreen. Jeez.
Keep us in your thoughts, your prayers - whatever you've got.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
One step forward...
Yesterday, thankfully, I had taken the day as a vacation day. This was a GOOD THING, as Martha Stewart would say. A fitful night of sleep and brain spin left me a bit jittery.
I had already scheduled an eye appointment for an annual check up. The optometrist was 45 minutes late. This coincided with the time that the meeting between our potential birth mother and the social worker was to conclude. Of course, while in the chair, my Blackberry rang. I took the call. Screw the late optometrist.
The birth parents both showed up for the appointment. This is a small step forward. Of course, this can all theoretically implode until 10 days after the birth of the child, who is due the last week of September - first week of October. The social worker called me, gave me her impressions, which are mostly favorable. The birth mother called after they got home to check in and let me know that she and B went. We talked for about an hour, all the time with me making mental checks and balances so I don't get sucked in and overly sympathetic like the last time. This is a girl whom I wish would get her life together. She's very likable. Very bright. She's had a tragic 26 years so far and she doesn't seem to be doing much to change it. The good thing is that she doesn't drink or do drugs and she takes good care of herself. This is not the norm that we prospective adoptive parents face. You literally have to choose if a baby whose mother smokes is a better option than a crack baby. Believe it or not, according to my OB, the crack baby is the better option. Who knew.
The adoption business sucks. It is just a system that is repulsive - and it reminds you daily of your own desperation to be a parent. I could draw the line and say, "Great! We have this amazing biological child and we should be grateful." Of course I'm very, very grateful for my wonderful son. However, I want to do it again. I don't want to pass on the bipolar gene that I dodged, but has made an impact through other family members and, by the way, being a mother keeps me young.
So, I sent two pictures of the birth mother and her two sons. My mother points out that one looks Latino and the baby, who looks like "a really happy little guy" looks BLACK. I pointed out that, given the parents, there's a fifty-fifty chance of the kids looking like one or the other, so she should keep her fingers crossed. She said, "You know I'm kidding." I had to say, "No.....ARE you?" She insists she is. I'm thinking not so much, but I've always had friends of color and not really cared about it. She's of another time and another philosophical stance. I'm thinking that if this works out, we go to their house to visit, we don't go out together, so any potential embarrassment would be pretty minuscule. She advised me to use a lot of sunscreen on the baby, should we get it. Jesus H. Christ.
Well, it was expected and will be what it will be. One step forward. The social worker refused to go further until the couple thought about it over the weekend. They are to contact her on Monday. If they still want to move forward, then there will be the "SPONTANEOUS MEETING" - which is not spontaneous at all. It is well planned with us, them, and a social worker for each at the table discussing how we are going to work this....Present at delivery? Open adoption? Closed adoption? Semi-open adoption? Pictures and letters? Then we have to get an attorney involved. This is where it all stands right now. Then, we count days until the baby comes and then we count ten more because that's how long she has to change her mind.
Baby steps. But if this works out, the results are great. I can give up on trying to get pregnant. I can go back on meds and stop feeling so STRESSED all the time. I can focus on living and not just getting through two week cycles. It could all be pretty good.
I had already scheduled an eye appointment for an annual check up. The optometrist was 45 minutes late. This coincided with the time that the meeting between our potential birth mother and the social worker was to conclude. Of course, while in the chair, my Blackberry rang. I took the call. Screw the late optometrist.
The birth parents both showed up for the appointment. This is a small step forward. Of course, this can all theoretically implode until 10 days after the birth of the child, who is due the last week of September - first week of October. The social worker called me, gave me her impressions, which are mostly favorable. The birth mother called after they got home to check in and let me know that she and B went. We talked for about an hour, all the time with me making mental checks and balances so I don't get sucked in and overly sympathetic like the last time. This is a girl whom I wish would get her life together. She's very likable. Very bright. She's had a tragic 26 years so far and she doesn't seem to be doing much to change it. The good thing is that she doesn't drink or do drugs and she takes good care of herself. This is not the norm that we prospective adoptive parents face. You literally have to choose if a baby whose mother smokes is a better option than a crack baby. Believe it or not, according to my OB, the crack baby is the better option. Who knew.
The adoption business sucks. It is just a system that is repulsive - and it reminds you daily of your own desperation to be a parent. I could draw the line and say, "Great! We have this amazing biological child and we should be grateful." Of course I'm very, very grateful for my wonderful son. However, I want to do it again. I don't want to pass on the bipolar gene that I dodged, but has made an impact through other family members and, by the way, being a mother keeps me young.
So, I sent two pictures of the birth mother and her two sons. My mother points out that one looks Latino and the baby, who looks like "a really happy little guy" looks BLACK. I pointed out that, given the parents, there's a fifty-fifty chance of the kids looking like one or the other, so she should keep her fingers crossed. She said, "You know I'm kidding." I had to say, "No.....ARE you?" She insists she is. I'm thinking not so much, but I've always had friends of color and not really cared about it. She's of another time and another philosophical stance. I'm thinking that if this works out, we go to their house to visit, we don't go out together, so any potential embarrassment would be pretty minuscule. She advised me to use a lot of sunscreen on the baby, should we get it. Jesus H. Christ.
Well, it was expected and will be what it will be. One step forward. The social worker refused to go further until the couple thought about it over the weekend. They are to contact her on Monday. If they still want to move forward, then there will be the "SPONTANEOUS MEETING" - which is not spontaneous at all. It is well planned with us, them, and a social worker for each at the table discussing how we are going to work this....Present at delivery? Open adoption? Closed adoption? Semi-open adoption? Pictures and letters? Then we have to get an attorney involved. This is where it all stands right now. Then, we count days until the baby comes and then we count ten more because that's how long she has to change her mind.
Baby steps. But if this works out, the results are great. I can give up on trying to get pregnant. I can go back on meds and stop feeling so STRESSED all the time. I can focus on living and not just getting through two week cycles. It could all be pretty good.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
...and then from way out in left field...
Those of you who have followed my ramblings over the years know that we have been trying to conceive/adopt and that two years ago, a birth mother stood us up and the meeting with the social worker. The end result was that we had to pay the attorney for nothing and learned that the baby's grandmother threatened to take the 18 month old child if the soon to be born baby was placed for adoption.
It was heartbreaking. I ran into N on her way to a doctor's appointment before the birth of her child and was able to hug her, wish her well and assure her that I would have kept my child, had I been in her position.
Yesterday, I came home from work and had a message on my answering machine from my former OB's office. The nurse said it was "imperative" that I call her. Of course they were closed for the evening.
At 9 this morning, I called and was told that the birth mother from 2007 is pregnant again, absolutely cannot support a third child, and asked if they would reach out to me on her behalf. I asked that they explain that I do not want myself, my husband and, most importantly, our son, to go through that again, so she would need to commit to going to meet with the social worker at the agency that did our home study. If she truly felt that this is what she was going to do and if she was willing to talk with the 3rd party, she could call me.
Call me she did, within 30 minutes. She apologized profusely for what occurred before. We talked through it. She does not think she wants an open adoption, but knows it is an open option. She has not learned the baby's gender, which is a good sign (detachment = good) - and they had made two appointments for an abortion, but did not have the money for the first one and she could not go through with the 2nd.
So, I was surprised when, by afternoon, she told me that she had received a call from the social worker and was going to meet with her on Friday morning. The organization has a child care facility, so they will watch her other two children while she meets.
She asked if I wanted to go to her appointment with her. I insisted that we take this one step at a time, and start with the social worker meeting. I will not have a lawyer join until we are further down the road. She is due late September or the first week of October.
It has been a very stressful, crazy day, but if it DID work out, it would be wonderful. We like her. We like the father. They make beautiful babies. Often.
Say a prayer for us, guys. I don't ask for them often and pride myself on hardly ever asking for help, but this could be huge.
It was heartbreaking. I ran into N on her way to a doctor's appointment before the birth of her child and was able to hug her, wish her well and assure her that I would have kept my child, had I been in her position.
Yesterday, I came home from work and had a message on my answering machine from my former OB's office. The nurse said it was "imperative" that I call her. Of course they were closed for the evening.
At 9 this morning, I called and was told that the birth mother from 2007 is pregnant again, absolutely cannot support a third child, and asked if they would reach out to me on her behalf. I asked that they explain that I do not want myself, my husband and, most importantly, our son, to go through that again, so she would need to commit to going to meet with the social worker at the agency that did our home study. If she truly felt that this is what she was going to do and if she was willing to talk with the 3rd party, she could call me.
Call me she did, within 30 minutes. She apologized profusely for what occurred before. We talked through it. She does not think she wants an open adoption, but knows it is an open option. She has not learned the baby's gender, which is a good sign (detachment = good) - and they had made two appointments for an abortion, but did not have the money for the first one and she could not go through with the 2nd.
So, I was surprised when, by afternoon, she told me that she had received a call from the social worker and was going to meet with her on Friday morning. The organization has a child care facility, so they will watch her other two children while she meets.
She asked if I wanted to go to her appointment with her. I insisted that we take this one step at a time, and start with the social worker meeting. I will not have a lawyer join until we are further down the road. She is due late September or the first week of October.
It has been a very stressful, crazy day, but if it DID work out, it would be wonderful. We like her. We like the father. They make beautiful babies. Often.
Say a prayer for us, guys. I don't ask for them often and pride myself on hardly ever asking for help, but this could be huge.
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